Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
