...so i touched it.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
