he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
