You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
