you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
