Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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