Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My life is pants optional.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
