I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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