I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
