Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
