I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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