come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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