They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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