toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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