Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
