Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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