My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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