i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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