her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
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do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
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Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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