Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
