I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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