just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
