Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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