I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
