it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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