we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
