The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
