youre lurking in front of me
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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