i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
