Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
sarcasm needs its own font
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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