I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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