like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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