I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
