mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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