Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
