You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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