I'm gonna have a badass scar
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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