if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
