Old men and throwing up are my life now.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
