my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
ttyl tear gas
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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