omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
