I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
