found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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