brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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