apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
