i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
