Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
