I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
