someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
