I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
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How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
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New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
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