i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
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He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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