Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
