They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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