Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
