The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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