Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
