I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
