I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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