i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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