The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
